Love. Intimacy. Affection. Adoration.
Getting completely lost in the experience of bliss of being so close to someone…
Yum.
And then waking up one day to realise everything is tight, you don’t fully know who you are anymore and you can’t seem to move without triggering them, or being triggered by them.
Ouch.
There is a tightrope running right down the centre of a relationship.
On one side is enmeshment and co-dependence.
This starts off innocently enough, with late nights filled with conversation, endless texting, passionate lovemaking and beautiful promises.
It’s warm and dripping with the ecstasy of being so deep with someone.
That delicious feeling of wanting to crush them into your own body, or be completely engulfed by them.
You might even know that you are losing yourself, but What.The.Hell is the point of being in a relationship if you can’t be this immersed??? (even though you know the pain is coming)
On the other side of the tightrope is independence.
You do you boo, I’ll do me… see ya when I see ya.
He has the boys weekends away. She has girl time.
Lives lived mostly separate yet somehow in the same bed.
Peck on the cheek before work, “have a great day love”.
It kind of makes more sense… yeah, if you were a relationship accountant.
Like who the hell wants to live in such a dry experience of love?
Where’s the passion man?
Why can’t we have the best of both?
Our own sense of independent freedom AND the ecstatic passion of union.
Well, the good news is… we can.
And it starts, interestingly, with boundaries.
In order to experience deep union with another, I need to SIMULTANEOUSLY be capable of connecting intimately with them while also experiencing myself as a separate being.
This is what our boundary system actually is.
Like the millions of cells in our body all in passionate relationship with one another, interdependently working together to creates Us.
This magnificent phenomenon of a human.
Relationships are no different.
No boundaries = relational cancer (co-dependence)
Too rigid boundaries [I call these walls] = relational gangrene (death by independence!)
Elegantly embodied boundaries = the sweet spot of evolutionary ecstatic union
Yum.
Yes please, and more.
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